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[mayurnsk]

A Budget that market would’ve loved to listen

The Speech

The stock market had its worst Budget day performance in its history on Monday. Bewildered, ET asked a veteran market operator to spell out exactly what the market would have liked to hear. In response, he drafted the following speech for the FM, along with instructions on how to deliver it
MADAM Speaker,
I rise to present the Budget for 2009-10, fully conscious of the high expectations of over a billion fellow countrymen, who believe that I am here to find a solution to their problems. And I do not want to disappoint them.
The global economic turmoil and the subsequent recession have indeed taken a toll on not just Indians, but also the whole world. Honourable members would be aware that much of the economic turmoil was precipitated by the collapse of the stock market in the US. And the only way out of this problem is to have a permanent bull market. Therefore, I intend to help create a permanent bull market in India.
(Expect loud protests from the opposition. But stay cool and use the time to gulp some water).


If anyone thought that my solution is not based on sound economic theory, listen to the chief of US Fed Shree Ben Bernankeji, and I quote: “There’s no denying that a collapse in stock prices would pose serious macro-economic challenges. Consumer spending would slow, and the economy would become less of a magnet for investors.”

Honourable members will agree, the BSE Sensex has come a long way from the 3000-odd levels that it languished in only a few years ago. The dizzying journey of the index has left many of its global peers drooling. The index has left behind its peers in the US, the UK and even China. We are only second to the HK’s Hang Seng, which is just a few thousand points ahead of us. Our next goal is to help the index race past it and be the beacon for others to follow.
(Just ignore those feeble voices of protest from the red brigade — in case they are present. They are anyway still busy figuring out why they lost the elections, something pretty evident to the rest).

Madam Speaker, I am not naive to believe that a permanent bull market is easy to create. Therefore, I propose to follow the PPP model (Public-Private Partnership) to achieve this goal. A series of measures is being earmarked for this. First of all, I propose to create an Innovation Fund that will be used to reward stock market analysts who introduce innovative ideas to fuel the Sensex rise. Here, I must place on record the contribution of these analysts in fuelling the last rally with their innovative valuation of so-called ‘land banks’ of companies. For the benefit of the not-so-knowledgeabl e MPs, I shall proceed to explain their innovative idea. Our venerable analysts have been valuing the land holdings not by their market value, but by the possible value accretion if the land were to be converted into SEZs or commercial properties. This made the stock prices of many land-holding companies very cheap and triggered a fresh rally. The Innovation Fund will be used to reward such ‘creative’ analyst geniuses. I also propose to recommend the names of such creative geniuses for Padma Bhushan or Bharat Ratna.
(By now you will see the Oppn MPs on their feet calling you names. But that’s the price one has to pay for boldness).

Analysts alone can’t a rally make. It needs the co-operation of all, right from the school level. Therefore, I propose to build an equity culture in our country. Henceforth, the syllabus in schools will have lessons extolling the virtues of stock investments and the adventures of Dalal Street heroes. While teaching children alphabets, it shall be the endeavour of teachers to rephrase words. For example, instead of A for Apple, they would teach A for ACC, B for Bajaj, C for Cipla and so on to S for Sensex. Further, all TV channels, including cartoon channels, will have stock tickers running across 24/7. I also propose to declare BSE and other stock exchange buildings as heritage sites and encourage heritage tours to these sites from schools and colleges.
(Look out for flying objects and do your best to duck them. Make sure you don’t end up with a ‘shoe’string Budget, pun intended).

This august house will agree that our past efforts at creating SEZs have only ended in litigations. Therefore, for the sake of our professed goal of a permanent bull market, I propose to convert these non-starter SEZs into capital market theme parks where replicas of charging bulls will be accorded pride of place. I do not want the honourable members to misunderstand me; I am not competing with statues of elephants or people installed elsewhere. Ours is not a party that resorts to such tactics to propagate the names of leaders only to face the court’s ire. We have long made our leaders known by naming various schemes and bridges after them.
(Turn to Soniaji and smile. Expect thumping of desks from your colleagues while drinking more water).

I shall now turn to direct proposals.
The honourable members are aware of the trauma experienced by thousands of investors last year. I now propose to rehabilitate the victims of 2008 crash by allotting 100 shares each of our navratnas. I also propose to start a New National Pension Pool (NNPP), from which pension would be issued to stock market retirees in appreciation of their contributions.
I also propose to issue monthly train passes to those earning less than Rs 10,000 a month from the market. For this idea, I have to thank my respected colleague Momotaji.
(Turn and wink at Mamata Banerjee).

Madam, our government believes in inclusive growth. Therefore, we want our farming community to join in our effort of building a permanent bull market. I propose to build a National Investment Corpus and farmers and other professionals would be encouraged to contribute to this and enjoy a 100% tax deduction. This emergency corpus will be used in the event of a crash in the market.
(Pause for a while, before you read the next para, put a smile on your face and keep a hand free for some chest thumping).

Madam Speaker, I am going to make a special announcement. Honourable members would be proud to learn that the total size of our nation’s black money has crossed Rs 25,00,000 crore. I remember, the amount was just under Rs 1,000 crore two decades ago. This means, as in the past, most of this money will come to the stock market through various routes such as Mauritius, with or without the PN tag attached to it.
(Pause for a generous thumping of desk, even from the opposition. This is going to last for a while as most members of the House, including the Opposition, have a stake in this. You can use the opportunity to thump your own chest).

Madam Speaker, my government has a lot to thank Dalal Street for. On our second coming to power, our government was accorded a 2000-point salute, which was unprecedented in the history of the market. Not even President Obama was accorded such a welcome. It is only fitting then our government returned the favour. Joi Ho Sensex!

[maneesh007]

Dear Mayur sir,

Thanks for giving us sugar coated Pill to swallow...